BAckground essay
My entire life I've felt as though I needed to be doing something in order to feel important. I always wanted to be line leader, teacher assistant; be valued for being in charge of a task. Could I be seen as important if I wasn't doing anything? During the summer of my fifteenth birthday my great aunt fell ill. She had been sick for a while, but the symptoms had escalated, and she needed more help to do basic tasks. I volunteered to go over to her house weekly in order to help her out and spend time with her. If I wasn't going to help her then who would?
So every Saturday from then on I was sitting on the blue chair in my aunt's living room. We ate meals together, watched television, and talked for hours. Eventually when she became weaker I had to start giving her pills as well. It felt like I was her caretaker, it was my sole purpose in life to take care of her. I had been caring for her for weeks. Her health was the only thing I could think about, talk about. Her well being invaded my mind.
I went over to her house one Saturday, like I always had, except this time she couldn't handle her pain alone anymore. She called an ambulance for herself and I watched as the men flooded her home. I had to talk to all of them. They asked me about her illnesses, her medications, how long she had been like this. Once everything had been filed they took her away; I wasn't allowed to come with her. So I sat in her silent home for hours, waiting for my dad to pick me up. I felt completely and utterly lost. If I wasn't with her right now then who was caring for her? Did those people in the ambulance know anything about her? Are they giving her proper treatment?
She spent months in the hospital. She never left the back of my mind. I visited her as much as I could, still feeling like I was her caretaker even though I knew she was in better care than I could ever give her. I cried when we couldn't visit, terrified she would think that I had abandoned her.
When she passed away in September I completely lost my identity. It had been my job for the past four months to watch after her and make sure nothing happened to her. I almost immediately jumped into a new job. I needed to make sure everything with her funeral went well, that her house was being cleaned out, that her life would always be remembered. Once everything had been taken care of and her ashes were put into the wall, she sealed away and I felt completely helpless again. I had no one to help anymore, she didn't need my help anymore.
Since her death I've still felt stuck in a moment in time. The moment where I was sitting in the blue chair at her house and I was caring for her, when I was still needed. The world around me seems to keep moving, and I haven't been able to start moving with it yet. However, I've slowly started to learn that everything is still okay in the world even if I don't have a task to fulfill.
So every Saturday from then on I was sitting on the blue chair in my aunt's living room. We ate meals together, watched television, and talked for hours. Eventually when she became weaker I had to start giving her pills as well. It felt like I was her caretaker, it was my sole purpose in life to take care of her. I had been caring for her for weeks. Her health was the only thing I could think about, talk about. Her well being invaded my mind.
I went over to her house one Saturday, like I always had, except this time she couldn't handle her pain alone anymore. She called an ambulance for herself and I watched as the men flooded her home. I had to talk to all of them. They asked me about her illnesses, her medications, how long she had been like this. Once everything had been filed they took her away; I wasn't allowed to come with her. So I sat in her silent home for hours, waiting for my dad to pick me up. I felt completely and utterly lost. If I wasn't with her right now then who was caring for her? Did those people in the ambulance know anything about her? Are they giving her proper treatment?
She spent months in the hospital. She never left the back of my mind. I visited her as much as I could, still feeling like I was her caretaker even though I knew she was in better care than I could ever give her. I cried when we couldn't visit, terrified she would think that I had abandoned her.
When she passed away in September I completely lost my identity. It had been my job for the past four months to watch after her and make sure nothing happened to her. I almost immediately jumped into a new job. I needed to make sure everything with her funeral went well, that her house was being cleaned out, that her life would always be remembered. Once everything had been taken care of and her ashes were put into the wall, she sealed away and I felt completely helpless again. I had no one to help anymore, she didn't need my help anymore.
Since her death I've still felt stuck in a moment in time. The moment where I was sitting in the blue chair at her house and I was caring for her, when I was still needed. The world around me seems to keep moving, and I haven't been able to start moving with it yet. However, I've slowly started to learn that everything is still okay in the world even if I don't have a task to fulfill.
INSPIRATIONS
I was also heavily inspired by Kathe Kollwitz's self portraits, ¨Selbstbildnis¨. Kathe Kollwitz was a German Expressionist who often used her artwork to express the feelings of grief and sorrow. I took inspiration from this theme when representing my grief through my digital collage. Her self portraits showcased her self reflection and displayed how she viewed herself. As I was considering the expression I wanted to display on my face in my collage, I took heavy inspirations from Kollwitz's expressions in her self portraits. When viewing Kollwitz's portraits, I feel a sense of sadness and sorrow. I wanted to be able to somewhat convey these emotions with my own piece as well. I also really liked how Kathe Kollwitz seems to portray herself as staring directly at the viewer. It gives an uneasy feeling to her self portraits and furthers the feeling of dread in her pieces.
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My digital collage was inspired by a lot of different artists with different mediums and styles of work. The background of my piece was heavily inspired by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner's piece Street at Schöneberg and Camille Pissaro's piece The Boulevard Montmarte on a Winter Morning. When planning my piece I knew I wanted the background of the piece to be a street full of people on each side. I liked that Kirchner's piece displayed an empty street with buildings on each side, because that's what I planned for my background to look like. The empty street gives an eerie feeling to the piece. I also really enjoyed the sky in Kircher's piece because of how vibrant it was in comparison to the rest of the piece. In Pisarro's piece I took inspiration from the amount of people in the streets, and the way the street is lined with buildings as well. The street is full of life and people going about their days. When creating this piece Pissaro used a bird's eye perspective to showcase the street from one long point of view. I was inspired by this perspective while taking my pictures, making sure my background had that same stretching point of view. I was also very inspired by the technique that Pissaro used to create the illusion that the people on the street were blurry and tried to replicate that in my own piece.
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Planning
I started of my planning process my brainstorming my idea for my digital collage. I knew that I wanted a piece that focused on the grief I've felt after the loss of my aunt and the loss of identity that I've felt because of this. I wanted to communicate the feeling of being lost, so I brainstormed ideas of how I could show this. I ended up with my original plan to have myself in the middle of a street with people swarming around me. I wanted the people to look blurry and very crowded together. I sketched out this idea and wrote down changes I wanted to make and indicated the things I needed to separately photo shop in. I also decided to add some items around my feet rather than just having myself alone in the street. That way it looked like I was cut out of this moment of time and put into the middle of the street. Once I had my planning sketch I needed to go out and gather my pictures for my digital collage. I went out and found an empty road with some buildings lining it just like I wanted in my planning sketch. I decided to take pictures of the street from both points of view to see which angle would work best for my digital collage. One angle had a much more open point of view, while the other didn't have as much room to photo shop the crowds onto the side. I chose the one with more room to photo shop people into in order to make it easier on myself. I also really liked the way the sky looked in both of my pictures, because I wanted the sky to look very vibrant in comparison to myself. After getting the background picture that I wanted, I needed to plan out the pose I wanted to use for my final piece. I experimented with a variety of different poses. I wanted to see which pose would best show the feeling of being lost and stuck that I was trying to communicate through my piece. I tried out a couple of different poses and positions, then once I found the one I liked the most I was able to take my final photo of myself. |
Process
I slowly started to upload more photos and continued adding them around my feet. I specifically chose items that I correlate with the lose of my aunt. The box represented moving her items out of the house, the flowers represented her funeral, and the papers symbolized all the paperwork that my family had to do after her passing. I had to use the scale tool in order to change the sizing of these items to look more proportional to each other. I also had to experiment with how I layered the objects around me. After I liked the position of everything around me I used the blurring tool to smooth the edges of my images a little bit. I did this in order to make it look more like I was actually sitting in the road and not photo shopped in. I had to experiment with how strong I wanted the blurring affect to look, and I also had to make sure I didn't blur parts too much. |
I started off this process by uploading all of the photos I had collected for this project to Photo Pea, an app used for photo shop. I decided to start with the picture I had taken of myself, so that I could have a basic layout of the larger components of my collage. I had to use the tools on the app to take the background out of my photo because I wanted it to just be a photo of me sitting on a chair. I found this process difficult because I had never used Photo Pea before, and I was still getting the hang of using it's features. I also had to be very careful of the smaller details of the piece and making sure I wasn't accidentally erasing anything I didn't want to be erased. I did accidentally erase too much at certain points, but it was easy enough to fix that I didn't struggle too much with it.
After I had completely cut myself out, I had to take the PNG of myself and move it onto the background I had chosen. I scaled the image down so that it was a reasonable size, and so that it could look like I was really sitting in the middle of the street. I wanted to play around with perspective for this piece too, so I experimented with where I wanted to place myself in the road. Once I had the core of my piece completed, I wanted to go in and start adding some of the details that I had sketched out near my feet on the road. I started out with the flowers and used the object selection tool to select the entire vase of flowers in order to make it easier on myself. Even after using that technique, I still had to go in afterwards and erase the background in between small branches and petals. |
I played around with the perspective of the people on the street by making sure that the people in the foreground of my piece started off larger and then slowly shrunk as they moved towards the background. Finally, I added finishing touches to the placement of the people to make them look they were a crowd in unison. |
Then I had to move onto the most difficult part of my digital collage, the crowds of people swarming me. I really struggled with this part because of how difficult it was to cut out all of the background pieces of the original photo I had taken. I took small groups of people at a time and cut them out to make it easier for myself. Once I had cut out the people I used the blur tool on the highest setting in order to make it so that you can't make out their faces. I discovered that I wanted the people to look even more blurry, so I experimented with the smudge tool in order to make a "fast-moving" effect. I wanted them to seem like their lives were moving very fast in comparison to mine being stuck in place. This turned out really well and I repeated this process with different groups of people on both sides of my piece. |
Experimentation
For this piece I did my main experimentation with what pose I wanted to use for my final digital collage. I had to try out a majority of different poses in order to determine which one I would want to use for my final picture. I played around with the positioning of my legs and my posture, and well as where I was looking and how I was holding the items in my hand.
I started off by trying to replicate one of the poses Kathe Kollwitz used in one of her self portraits by putting my head in my hand. I didn't really like how this pose looked because I looked more contemplative than lost. I also didn't really like how slumped over I looked in this picture. I feel like my face wasn't serious enough either. I also experimented with looking down at the items in my hand as if I was studying it. I liked this pose a little more but still didn't feel like I was affectionately showing the feeling of being lost like I wanted to. |
I also took a few pictures of myself looking at the "crowds" surrounding myself. I actually ended up liking this pose a lot because I felt like it seemed as though I was looking at the crowd for guidance. It also looked like I was confused and looking around at all of the people swarming me, wondering how I got in the street. After I took of all these pictures I started to realize that I wanted myself to look zoned out in the picture, like I had been snapped from one place to another.
So in my final experiment I had myself staring slightly above the camera, slightly hunched over, and having my legs more together. I felt like I looked very lost in this pose which is exactly the feeling I wanted to showcase through my digital collage. I also liked that by making myself hunched over I almost seemed timid and scared of the people around me. This pose incorporated all of the changes I wanted to make with other poses, and I decided to use it for my final pose. |
Critique
There are a lot of similarities between my piece and my inspirations. The similarities between my piece and Kathe Kollwitz's self portraits can be seemed in the emotion being represented through our pieces. We both used our artwork to express feelings of grief and sorrow. The similarities between our pieces can even be seen in the facial expressions exhibited in each piece. Both pieces showcase faces full of sorrow and sadness. The similarities between my piece and Camille Pissaro's piece The Boulevard Montmarte on a Winter Morning, can be seen in the crowds of people walking through the streets; living their lives. Both of our pieces also use similar perspectives. Both perspectives are facing down a street. My piece also shows a building on the side that looks very similar to the kinds of architecture showcased in Pissaro's piece. The people in both of our pieces are slightly distorted as well. Pissaro's piece does this by making the people blurry, while the people in my piece are smudged.
There are also a lot of differences between my piece and my inspirations. For example, my piece and Kathe Kollwitz's self portraits are different because many of her self portraits just included her face. My piece included my full body and not just my face. I also have background and other aspects in my piece that Kathe Kollwitz did not include in her self portraits. Camille Pissaro's piece The Boulevard Montmarte on a Winter Morning and my piece also share a lot of differences. The people in my piece can barely be made out to be people while you are still able to tell that there are people walking in Pissaro's piece. My piece also has a main focal point and center of attention while her piece does not.
There are also a lot of differences between my piece and my inspirations. For example, my piece and Kathe Kollwitz's self portraits are different because many of her self portraits just included her face. My piece included my full body and not just my face. I also have background and other aspects in my piece that Kathe Kollwitz did not include in her self portraits. Camille Pissaro's piece The Boulevard Montmarte on a Winter Morning and my piece also share a lot of differences. The people in my piece can barely be made out to be people while you are still able to tell that there are people walking in Pissaro's piece. My piece also has a main focal point and center of attention while her piece does not.
Reflection
Overall this project helped me expand to working with more artistic mediums, and pushed me to working outside of my comfort zone. Before this project I had never worked on any digital artwork, and now I've learned a lot of new skills that I can use and take with me while working on other projects. I originally wanted to show how experiencing a loss in your life can lead to a loss in identity, and I think I was able to interpret that through my digital collage. The biggest challenge I dealt with in this project was patience. I often got frustrated with photo shopping the tiny details on my piece, but I learned to persevere because I needed to get the project done. My favorite part of making this piece would definitely be the process of creating the crowds of people. Even though it was one of the most challenging parts of this piece, I had a lot of fun experimenting with the smudge tool and manipulating the way the people looked. My least favorite part of this process would be making sure I was working on the right layer. I had to use so many layers for this project that there were often times where I had been working on a layer for a while only to find out it wasn't the right layer in the first place. I hope that people can view "Desiderium Boulevard" and recongnize that when people lose those who are close to them, it can often have a large impact on their own identities.
ACt questions
1. Clearly explain how you are able to identify the cause effect relationship between your inspiration and its effect on your artwork?
A lot of aspects that are showcased in my inspirations can also be seen in my final piece. Similar themes and emotions, as well as similar physical feautres can be seen between my work and my inspirations.
2. What is the overall approach the author has regarding the topic of your inspiration?
My inspirations highlighted the use of perspective as well as the ability to use artwork to express emotions.
3. What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, culture, etc. while you researched your inspiration?
People often make art pieces that showcase the environment around them. Whether that means that feelings that they're feeling, or the places that they see and experience everyday.
4. What is the central idea or theme around your inspirational research?.
My overall theme was that events in our life can often impact our own identities and how we view ourselves.
5. What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research?
When researching Kathe Kollwtiz's pieces I inferred that she had gone through a lot of hardships in her life because of the amount of grief and sorrow she expressed through many of her art pieces.
A lot of aspects that are showcased in my inspirations can also be seen in my final piece. Similar themes and emotions, as well as similar physical feautres can be seen between my work and my inspirations.
2. What is the overall approach the author has regarding the topic of your inspiration?
My inspirations highlighted the use of perspective as well as the ability to use artwork to express emotions.
3. What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, culture, etc. while you researched your inspiration?
People often make art pieces that showcase the environment around them. Whether that means that feelings that they're feeling, or the places that they see and experience everyday.
4. What is the central idea or theme around your inspirational research?.
My overall theme was that events in our life can often impact our own identities and how we view ourselves.
5. What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research?
When researching Kathe Kollwtiz's pieces I inferred that she had gone through a lot of hardships in her life because of the amount of grief and sorrow she expressed through many of her art pieces.
Citations (MLA)
“Käthe Kollwitz. Self-Portrait (Selbstbildnis). 1934: Moma.” The Museum of Modern Art, https://www.moma.org/collection/works/160137.
“Self Portraits - Overview - Käthe Kollwitz Museum Köln.” Self Portraits - Overview – Käthe Kollwitz Museum Köln, https://www.kollwitz.de/en/self-portraits-overview.
“Street at Schöneberg - Google Arts & Culture.” Google, Google, https://artsandculture.google.com/story/street-at-sch%C3%B6neberg/EQWhnOtbaqgaKA.
“The Boulevard Montmartre on a Winter Morning.” The Boulevard Montmartre on a Winter Morning by Camille Pissarro, https://www.thehistoryofart.org/camille-pissarro/boulevard-montmartre-on-a-winter-morning/.